Are you going to have kids?
Yeah?
Cool.
That's awesome.
We don't want any.
We're not going to have kids.
Too many mouths to feed already.
But you guys do your thing.
* up the planet.
It's fine.
Whatever.
Ruin your dog's lives.
Our family's bugging us to have children,
and I'm getting sick of it.
I was at my sister's wedding,
and my aunt's like,
Michael, when are you going to have a baby?
Michael, the family needs a new baby, Michael.
I'm like, all right, Aunt Ruthie,
pump the brakes.
We talked about it,
and we're going to have a baby
the second you die.
So...
Let me get you another Malibu Bay breeze,
you pig.
Kids are tough, man.
It's crazy.
I taught high school for a little bit.
Yeah?
Teach?
What do you teach?
Math.
Math.
Math.
I'm not good at math.
You like kids?
Yeah, you have to, huh?
If you're a teacher?
I learned that the hard way.
Being a teacher and hating kids
is like being a landscaper with allergies.
Just every day you wake up,
and you know it's going to suck,
and you don't make Claritin for teenagers yet, so...
You can't fit Macbeth in a tweet,
so they don't care.
Thousands of beautiful words
in the English language.
And all my students ever were like,
awkward, epic, random.
Ugh, *...
I got this random text from my mom
on a random Tuesday.
It was so random.
I'm like, no, it's not.
It's your mother.
She knows your number.
She wants to talk to you.
Nothing random about anything
you just said, you idiot.
If an elephant walked up here
and * on stage, that's random.
Like, that's...
That's an actual random thing.
That's when you hop on Twitter.
OMG, elephant, awkward.
Ooh.
Hashtag zoo poop.
Awkward's another one I hear all the time.
Awkward.
Awkward.
Everybody sounds like a * sick goose.
I was at Victoria's Secret
on Valentine's Day,
buying my wife a pink little slutty thing
on a hanger.
Just to break the monotony,
I went up to the counter and was like,
can I get a gift receipt in case my dad
doesn't like this color?
Just had to do it for me, you know?
The girl next to me is like,
awkward!
She sounded like a truck going down a hill
in the distance.
She's like, awkward!
He's up, Barbara.
Enjoy your sweatpants.
You should shop online next time.
Your kids say epic a ton.
Everything's so epic.
Epic.
Brunch was epic.
These oatmeal pancakes are epic.
That random three-point turn you just made
was so epic.
It's like, shut up.
I've been alive 37 years.
I've had one epic moment on acid
at a Grateful Dead concert.
Not that much * in life is epic.
Yeah, try that.
I was at an ATM the other day
and it was broke.
I walked up, it was broke.
No big deal, this happens.
And this little girl's standing there
just Snapchatting or whatever the *.
And she looks up from her phone
when she noticed the machine was broke
and goes, epic fail.
I was like, seriously?
It's 2016 and a machine being broke is epic?
Like, how sad is your shitty life, kid?
Really?
You want to know what's epic?
Space travel's epic.
You want to know what's an epic fail?
Your mother's birth control.
That was an epic fail.