The show is called Rascal, and it's kind of ruder, actually, than I normally am.
And the show is chiefly about pleasure.
I get a lot of pleasure from doing stand-up comedy.
I get to travel around doing this job.
I get to travel the world, actually.
Earlier on this year, I was doing some shows in Wellington in New Zealand.
And I was in Wellington for about a week.
And over the course of the week, I experienced torrential rain, flash flooding, and an earthquake.
Now, it was my first earthquake.
I'd never been in an earthquake before.
And they don't really teach you what to do in an earthquake in Wales.
And so, kind of out of my depth a bit.
And the earthquake happened at 5 p.m. local time.
And when the earthquake happened, I was in my hotel room, in my bed, in my underwear,
with an incredibly powerful...
And the building started shaking, you know, and I just panicked, you know,
because I didn't know what to do.
And I just envisaged the building collapsing, you know,
and they send in, like, a rescue team.
And there's, like, two guys, like, sifting through the detritus.
And, like, one of them, like, he's like,
Hey, I got someone!
And the other one's like, Hang on a minute.
Like, the earthquake happened at 5 p.m.
Like, who's this loser in his underwear?
I don't think he's a valuable part of society.
I think we should just put Rubble back on top of him.
Go and find someone more deserving to be rescued.
When I was there in Wellington,
I like to go to museums and stuff and art galleries and that.
And I went to the National Museum of New Zealand in Wellington.
It's called Te Papa, right?
And they had an exhibition there about a native New Zealand bird.
It's called a kakapo.
Now, you might not know.
The kakapo?
No, okay.
I can kind of explain the kakapo to you.
It's sort of like a * parrot.
A really * parrot.
Like, it can't fly or talk like a normal parrot.
It only comes out at night.
Also, it frequently forgets.
It cannot fly.
It climbs the very tops of trees.
And it jumps off.
And then very quickly remembers it cannot fly.
You might not be surprised to learn there's 126 left in the world.
In total, there's only 126 left, right?
Which is the same number as Iberian Lynx.
And people are happy to find that free U2 album in their iTunes folder.
It's a very specific demographic.
They're trying to breed the kakapo.
But they've hit upon a problem.
Basically, every time...
Every time the female conservationist goes out into the forest to try and find the kakapo,
the kakapo has a habit of sort of sneaking up behind her, very quickly running up the length of her body,
and then really aggressively facking the back of her head.
This is in their national museum.
They're like photographs and everything.
And I was looking at it, I was thinking, I can kind of see why you nearly extinct me.
I mean...
Well, that's no way to treat me.

That's no way to treat a lady.
You've got the wrong species there.
And also, you've bypassed the sweet spot altogether.
I don't know if it's acceptable to call a vagina the sweet spot.
Too late.
But they're not persistent.
So what they've done is they've made a special hat of condoms that have been glued together.
And the idea is she wears the hat when she's in the forest.
And then the kakapo sort of runs up and sort of goes off in the hat.
And then they collect the sperm, you know.
No, to breed other kakapos.
You know, not for like practical jokes.
But the problem is that the hat, it actively repels kakapos.
They're afraid of it.
So she's just on her own in the forest all day.
Sort of wandering around.
And then end of her shift, she's like, oh, thank God I can get this off.
Even before it's fully left the surface area of her head, there's another kakapo up there.
Banging away at the back of her neck.
I'll be honest, I'm not really sure what the moral of the story is myself, you know.
I found it entertaining even a bird on the verge of extinction with no understanding of the concept of birth control doesn't want to use a condom, you know.
I also worried, like, the kakapo is attracted to the wrong species, but also the wrong part of the wrong species.
And I'm just frightened now that I'm yet to make that evolutionary leap.
At the moment, I'm really attracted to women.
But like, who knows, in like ten years' time, like, I might just want to * tractors.
Maybe I like women because I haven't met the right iguana yet.
You know, I just...