It's not all rude, this show.
I'll tell you what else I've been up to.
Over Christmas, actually,
I went away on a cruise
with my parents
because I'm a loser.
Has anyone ever been on a cruise?
You've been on a cruise?
All right, I'm not going to pick on you.
I just want to talk to you.
What's your name?
Andy.
Andy, nice to meet you, Andy.
And who did you go on the cruise with?
My wife.
Your wife?
Look how far away Andy's wife is.
Didn't go well, did it, Andy?
I'm going to be a port
and she can be starboard.
You guys went away together on the cruise?
Just you two as well?
My dad and my sister.
So, again, it was like a family kind of...
I'm wary now
whether you're going to give me
an honest answer, Andy,
because your wife was there.
Did you enjoy the cruise?
Yeah, it was good.
Very good.
What's your name?
Andy's wife?
Angela as well.
And you, did you have fun?
Yeah.
Where did you go?
We came back to the Caribbean.
Oh, cool.
All right.
I kind of wish I went with you two.
I went with my family
and, like,
the best way I could describe the experience,
imagine being, like,
stuck in, like, a two-star hotel
for a fortnight
and you're not allowed to leave
and you could drown
at any moment.
We went away over Christmas, right?
And we sort of went from, like,
Hong Kong to, like, Thailand and Vietnam
and ended up in Singapore.
And it was over Christmas.
Like, we're not a rich family
and so the cruise was a Christmas present,
essentially.
So we didn't have Christmas presents
like we were just on the cruise.
But there were loads of rich people on the cruise
that had loads of Christmas presents.
They were, like, showing off, basically.
I met this guy on Christmas Day.
He's an American guy.
And he was very keen to talk about
his Christmas present, which was an Apple Watch, right?
And he was talking about the Apple Watch
to me, I reckon, for about 15 minutes.
It wasn't a conversation.
He was just talking at me for 15 minutes.
And right to the end, he goes,
Oh, there is one bad thing about the Apple Watch.
I was thinking, Oh, what's that then, mate?
You know, because you've been singing his praises now
for nearly a quarter of an hour.
He goes, Yeah, there is one bad thing.
He goes, When you look at it, it doesn't tell you the time.
I was like,
Hold up.
It doesn't tell you the time.
I mean, I'd hardly consider myself a horologist,
but, like, the time, that's my number one
one out of a time piece.
And he's like, No, you can't see the time.
You have to, like, wiggle it or, like, push a button
or something like that.
I was like, It fails in its primary objective.
He's like, No, no, no, it's got loads of other cool features.
I was like, I don't give a *.
It's worse than any other watch.
It's like if I invited you around my house
and you're like, Hey, how's it going?
I'm like, Oh, cool.
You want some toast?
I've got, like, a brand new toast.
You're like, Yeah.
I'm like, Oh, there is one problem with the toaster.
The bread, it doesn't stay down in the toaster.
So you have to hold the bread yourself
up against the filament,
risking electrocution and possibly death.
And then do the other side again.
You'd be like, That is a * toaster.
I'm like, Well, it's Wi-Fi enabled.
It's still a * toaster.