Because that was the lesson of the pandemic.
It's inevitable.
Eventually, we're all going to go.
Don't worry, not all my materials is uplifting.
But we're all going to go, and then our loved ones will do our funeral.
That's harsh, right?
The people closest to the deceased are put in charge.
It's like, we know you're in a very vulnerable state, but time to host a party.
They're in shock.
Everyone at a funeral is in shock.
If you're not a little surprised at a funeral, you're the murderer.
It was so unexpected.
Not for me.
People are caught off guard at a funeral.
But I want my funeral to be a total surprise.
Like, when I die, I don't want anyone to be told.
I just want Evites to go out to friends.
Last minute party, come on over, big announcement.
Then when my friends arrive, Jim's dead.
Is there anything I can do?
Come look at the body.
Because that's essentially what happens at funerals.
Come look at the dead body.
I'll take your word for it.
What is this, Weekend at Bernie's?
Have you been to an open casket funeral?
His memory will live on in my nightmares.
At Catholic funerals, you're supposed to kneel next to the casket and say a prayer.
That prayer goes like this.
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
It's got to be long enough.
If the body looks weird in the casket, it does.
They're always overdressed.
We put men in business suits.
What, do they have an interview?
Dress for the afterlife you want.
People usually say, he looks like he's resting.
Or he passed out at an office Christmas party.
Why is he wearing a tie?
If you want me to rest in peace, bury me in pajamas.
In preparation for the funeral, we put makeup on the dead body.
When did grandpa start wearing eyeliner?
There's special funeral makeup.
You never see commercials for that makeup.
Maybe that corpse is still alive.
Or maybe it's a Maybelline.
For when you want to look drop dead gorgeous.
That's so much job to put makeup on a dead person's face.
That couldn't have been the goal.
Some of the dream of I want to work in fashion became I'll put blush on the corpse.
It is an art form.
It's impressive.
I'm surprised it's not a reality show.
Pimp my corpse.
I have my own idea for a reality show.
I think it's a winner.
Let me pitch it to you.
My show would open with two identical bodies.
Lying next to each other.
One of the bodies would be dead.
The other, cake.
This show is called Dead or Cake.
And then a loved one would be given a cake knife.
Susie loved her grandma.
But how well did she know her?
Will she cut him the delicious red velvet cake?
Or her nana?
Let's find out. Susie, you may cut the...
Oh, Susie.
This is usually the point.
When people ask, well, when's he going to do the food jokes?
I thought he was going to...
Dead or cake is a food joke.
Funerals are weird.
Open casket, closed casket.
I want to be sitting up in my casket.
You know, just sitting there.
Eyes open.
I'd like to be positioned near the doorway.
So when people enter the room, they're like, what the hell?
I'd rig it so occasionally my hand would go up.
I definitely want there to be crumbs on my chest.
Did he eat recently?
I'd pre-record an announcement.
Thanks for coming to my funeral.
Don't be sad, I'm in a better place.
Just kidding, I'm right here.
And then, I don't know if this is in poor taste,
but at that moment, I'd like my body to burst into flames.
I want to be cremated, but at my funeral.
You know, something for everyone.
A little surf and turf.
We've all been to funerals.
We've all lost someone.
Still had their number in our phone.
You just can't bring yourself to delete it.
But they're never going to call.
It would be weird if they did.
Grandma?
Stop looking at that filth on the internet.
We lost my aunt several years ago.
And eventually, someone else was assigned her phone number.
And we know that because my aunt was part of our family text chain.
And at one point, a random guy chimed in, kind of annoyed.
Why am I part of this text chain?
So I responded the only way I could.
I said, because you're my aunt and we love you.
And he was like, bro, I'm not your aunt.
And I was like, you haven't changed a bit.
What a character, right?
Each culture has their own ritual to deal with loss.
I think the Mexicans do it best.
They have Dia de Muertos, which means Day of the Dead.
I bet you didn't know it was bilingual.
Day of the Dead is a celebration of the life of the person they lost.
And they got this from the Aztecs.
Supposedly, the Aztecs would go all in.
Once a year, the Aztecs would visit the grave of a loved one,
dig up the body, clean the bones, and then eat a meal with the skeleton.
And I just feel like my mom wouldn't want that.
We're the local authorities.
What in the hell are you doing?
Well, I was having dinner with my mom until you rudely interrupted.
Don't worry, I can say that because I'm Aztec.