Pull up a seat, all laugh at me and my blues
Just 50p, a real family treat, watch me lose
Gather around for less than a pound, watch me weep
Turn back the clocks, bring out the stocks onto street
Make me weep for my children, cry for my wife
Watch the crowd crease up at the story of my life
From the loons in the stalls, to the goons in front row
Come and give this show a go
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up for the saddest divorcee, roll up for a fully fledged clown
A fool in the kitchen, a jester in bed
Rip up your tickets, watch this farce instead
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Join in the queue, then pull up a pew by my side
Now I'm all the rage, and life is on stage, watch me die
They're sailing dead fast
I don't think they'll last very long
These tickets to see ugly old me go so wrong
I'm a national joke, but a resolute chap
Tortured and teased, but I'm used to that *
From the howling in the gallery to the giggles down front
Come and give this bloke a punt
I'm going to sign all of the written promises
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up for the saddest divorcee, roll up for a fully fledged clown
A fool in the kitchen, a jester in bed
Rip up your tickets, watch this farce instead
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down

Roll up to see me break down
One final bed for an adult and kid in the pens
A bovril and pie and a cry to the sky once again
Take up your seats, popcorn and sweets and a drink
The theatre is packed for the opening act, watch him sing
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up for the saddest divorce, roll up for a fully-fledged clown
A fool in the kitchen, a jester in bed
Rip off your tickets, watch this boss instead
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see me break down
Roll up to see me break down