i don't know i'm not um i wouldn't say i'm particularly kinky um do we have any uh kinky
people in i'm well aware this has been recorded and put on the internet until the end of time
might stop people from answering you don't get many answers but like when you do they're usually
pretty good like i had a guy recently i was like have we got any kinky people in he was like yeah
i'm kinky i was like all right fair enough like what are you into he goes mouth stuff
i was like simultaneously too much information and not enough information expertly played
i remember when i was maybe um like
maybe 10 or 11 right and i was flicking through one of my mother's magazines she had like a
woman's magazine and there was an interview in the magazine with a lady called paula yates now
i'm not sure if you've heard of paula yates but paula yates is a woman's magazine and she's a
if you don't know who paul yates is i can kind of quickly explain she was a british television
presenter who's married to the rock star bob geldof and she had a very public affair with
another rock star guy called michael hutchins right and everyone knew about the affair even
uh geldof he wasn't happy about it but he knew about it and in this interview the journalist
said to paul yates so paula like how is the affair going with michael hutchins and she said
absolutely brilliantly she said uh the first time we were in bed together within the
first hour he did six things i consider illegal
and i was like 11 or 12 i was thinking what the did he do what did he do you know like six
illegal things that we'll never know exactly what he did because sadly both of them now have passed
away uh him in fact uh from uh from the old uh strangle wanking so uh that's a lesson for us all
there always have a spotter
if you're lifting weights in the gym uh or stronger one can get in a spotter right it just
makes sense in the long term and i've been thinking about this now for maybe 20 odd years
and i think i've come up with the six illegal things that hutchins did right so like you can
never be like a hundred percent sure but i'm like i don't know 93 percent
so here we go i'll tell you the six legal things thing number one uh i think he uh missed salter ppr
and tourists
he's a real * wasn't he hutchins tucked her up on the old ppi
thing number two i think he made her a mixtape music that he taped off the radio
it's highly illegal and he also got the dj talking over the start of the tracks as well
which isn't illegal but it's really annoying thing number three i thought he wouldn't have
done anything like uh non-consensual you know like ***ually illegal like that because like you wouldn't
have done anything like that because like you wouldn't have done anything like that because like
he's like a rock and roller you know he sort of traveled the world i imagine he had quite
deviant tastes you know so i thought maybe i don't know like he tried to get like an animal involved
i thought maybe like hutchins had like a pet hamster right
uh that was in one of them you know one of them perspex balls it's like half
opaque and half see-through and the hamster is like rolling around on an occasional table next to the bed
and um could see everything that was happening
is that illegal to have *** in front of a hamster
i mean i'm sick of seeing it all so you know that's now i'm saying it out loud it doesn't sound illegal
but this is why i've lost you suggesting that michael hutchins tried to have *** with paula
yates in front of a hamster commit a crime
an act of zoophilia.
Not zoophilia, actually.
Bestiality. Do you know the difference
between bestiality and zoophilia?
Nope. I'll tell you.
Bestiality is a one-off
***ual encounter of an animal.
Zoophilia is a long-term
***ual relationship with an animal.
I think you know you're pretty messed up
if you look at someone as committed an act of bestiality
and your initial thought is,
well, they're just afraid of commitment.
I also, I lied when I said
I had the six illegal things.
I don't, I only
managed three
in the last 20 years.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
No?
I can tell you other suggestions I've had.
I was doing the gig in Edinburgh and there was like a man
and he was like sat there and I was like,
any suggestions for like illegal things that Hutchins
could have done? And he was like,
heroin.
I was like, yeah, I mean, I think they both
had heroin problems, so they probably were
doing heroin, but this is a comedy
show. Heroin's probably
like the least funny of all the drugs, you know,
so I need like a funnier drug.
And there was a woman sat directly behind him
and she just went, helium?
I was like, you have knocked that out of the park.
Imagine him like turning up at his door, knocking on
the door. She's like, have you got the drugs, Michael?
He's like, yes.
Slowly reveals two balloons
from the house.
Also, I was doing a preview of the show
in Wales and there was a guy, he was like
propping up the bar at the back of the room
and I was like, any suggestions for like illegal
things that Hutchins could have done? And he just goes,
loitering.
And I was like, that is
illegal, you know, in certain areas,
but not in the bedroom,
you know, but don't get me wrong, it's *
annoying. Like,
you're on the bed ready to go and your
partner's just stood at the end of the bed
picking fluff out of their bellybutton.
Skimming through the metro.
They never said
what the six illegal things
were, you know, but she gave an
interview just before she died
actually, Polly, it's where the interviewer
said, come on, like, tell me what the
illegal things were. And she's like, I'm not going to say
but I'll give you a clue, right?
They involved oysters.
Yeah.
I can't think of six illegal things
involving oysters that you could have done.
Two, maybe, tops, you know, so, like,
he knocks on her hotel room door,
she opens the door, he just smashes a handful
of oysters straight into her face.
That's illegal, isn't it?
Assault.
I thought maybe
he'd harvested the oysters without
a sufficient permit.
Excellent rock and roller,
Hutchence, but scant regard
for coastal bylaw.
Says that on his tombstone,
actually.