So, I'm calling this thing 25 times two
because Adele has an album called 25, I'm told.
Super popular.
Couldn't name you a song,
but I'm 25 times two, you guys.
I'm 50.
As you get this age, like the rock stars,
the people you look up to are dying.
You know, I have ex-girlfriends dying,
and that sounds awesome on paper,
but it's kind of a bummer.
It's * up.
And this summer will be 30 years for me in comedy.
I've been doing comedy for 30 years.
Thanks.
It's * insane to me,
and it's been a year of reflection,
and I thought I'd do a couple of, like, updates
on some older ideas that I talked about.
Like, I...
Uh...
I've talked about my first rescue dog, Ernie.
He's a crazy basset hound,
and I've talked about him before.
13 years ago, he did this.
He licked my wife's vagina.
Not like a lot, but just once is enough, really.
Just like...
And then he took off because it was puppy time.
He's out of his mind, and he just ran.
Couple years ago, when my child was really young
and would sit on the little training potty,
potty trainer thing,
Ernie...
would eat his poop.
Yeah, * disgusting.
My son would finish.
He'd go, Daddy, I'm finished.
And if I didn't * run in there before Ernie,
I would hear clickety-clack on the hardwood floors.
His * toenails as he goes and...
fishes the turd out of my son's...
before...
I know.
Now, that dog is 13,
and I don't want to even know what weird * he does.
I don't want to even know what * he's * into now.
I don't want to even know what * he's * into now.
Because if you start with vagina,
and then you start eating poo,
where does that end as a dog?
Like, I come home,
he's got his leash around the doorknob.
He's trying to blow himself.
He's just rolled up like a pill bug.
Hanging there.
His floppy ears keep getting in the way,
so he's kicking him away.
So he's kicking him away with his...
his midgety legs, just...
God damn it.
I still ruin toilets, too.
Another recap.
Being as huge as I got when I was 320,
that was my superpower, ruining toilets.
This next sentence is not a joke.
My brother-in-law will not let me * at his house.
True story.
Precedent was set.
Rules were made.
Lines were drawn.
I'm not allowed to * at my brother-in-law's house.
He had to go to Home Depot three times.
It's true.
I get it.
My entire family knows that I'm not allowed to * at his house.
You all know.
Thank * God he doesn't host Thanksgiving,
because no guarantees, you know what I mean?
You put a turkey in my tummy,
I'm putting a turkey in your toilet.
That's how the body works.
That's how my body works.
My son, I talked about his nudity.
He teabagged me on my last special.
Oh, yeah, true story.
I was watching TV, I was watching wrestling,
and he climbed up behind me
and * put his *,
his naked *,
on the top of my head and went...
And for half a second,
because I was falling asleep during wrestling,
and he's like,
and he's just...
Like, you know that expression,
asshat, that never, like, meant anything?
Like...
Like...
Before that, I never got asshat.
Now I'm like, ah, okay.
Asshat, God damn it.