Sometimes I think pain is just a lack of understanding. If we could only understand it all, would we feel no pain? God must feel no pain. Only joy. Does this mean even our suffering pleases him? Lost in a cloud of marijuana, young Carolina nigga, fish out of water. Stepdaddy just had a daughter with another woman. Mama ain't recovered yet, calling me at 12 at night. She drunk as fuck and I'm upset, cause why she always using me for crutch? Growing up I always used to see her up late as shit. Cigarette smoking, greatest hits from Marvin Gaye. She kill a whole bottle with some cheap Chardonnay. I gotta leave this house cause part of me dies when I see her like this. Too young to deal with pain, I'd rather run the streets than see her kill herself. So Phil became my escape from a feeling I hate. Mama cursing me out, depression such a villainous state. I used to stay out later on purpose, subconsciously I was nervous. That if I came home early then what would surface was her inner demons. And then I'd have to end up seeing my hero on ground zero. Tears flow while Al Green blow, love and happiness. I wish that I could say the right words to cheer her up. I wish her son's love was enough. I tell her mama go to sleep, she tell me boy hush. You better pray to God you never get your heart crushed. I shake my head in frustration, head to my room and I can still hear the tunes when my door's shut. Fuck it though, a couple more months I'll be gone. Off to college and dorms, fooling myself thinking problems are gone. But now it's 1am and my mama dialing my phone. I know she intoxicated and soon as high that I'm on comes crashing down. She lit talking drunk shit, I'm pissed but I'm still all ears like passing hounds. Thinking to myself, maybe my mama need help. Don't she got work in the morning, why she do this to herself? Hate how she's slurring her words, sounding so fucking absurd. This ain't the woman I know, why I just sit and observe? Why don't I say how I feel, when I do she's defensive for real. Well maybe things get better with time, I heard it heals. Little did I know how deep her sadness would go. Looking back I wish I would've did more, instead of running. Something's gotta hold on me. I can't let go, out of fear I won't be free. Something's gotta hold on me. I can't let go, out of fear I won't be free. Something's gotta hold on me. I can't let go. Life can bring much pain. There are many ways to deal with this pain. Choose wisely.