there wasn't much for me to do on on the cruise andy so like one of the things i was like reading
a book and like i can't like sunbathe and stuff he's just like on a lounger reading a book and
then something i found more entertaining was people watching like you can't get off the boat
and so cruise is like great places to like people watch and there's lots of like older people on the
cruise as well and something i noticed like of the ones that had it i'd say maybe 70 or 80 percent
of them were women maybe like 20 percent of them were men right the cruise goers they had like
extensive plastic surgery now i think we've achieved a lot as human beings up until 2016
right one thing i don't think we've quite yet nailed plastic surgery because you know you see
someone with plastic surgery and your instant thought is you've had plastic surgery and then
your very next thought is like well i don't care what you used to
look like but it's gotta have been better than this * sort of slightly melted cheese on toast
vibe it's like they've looked into the ark of the covenant and their face has started to melt
and then they've been distracted by a butterfly now they've just got a slightly melted face
you take one piece of advice from me and i don't know why you would but i'm a comedian but if you
are going to take one piece of advice from me don't * with your own face
leave
you
you can't improve your own face right i can see pretty much everyone's face in the room right
and they're all um faces they're all great and they're all different but you you can't improve
it you know there's a trend at the moment for young women in the united kingdom i don't even
know how it started myself i think i was out there to the country when it started happening
right otherwise i would have tried to stop it right and especially see them like in the town
center on a weekend and what these young ladies do is right they um they shave off
their eyebrows
and then they draw their eyebrows back on again you kind of look at their face you think yourself
look i don't care whether you believe in god the creator or evolution you cannot say you are better
than either of those two things are eyebrows like eyebrows have been happening for millions of years
without any problem whatsoever that's clearly your first attempt at an eyebrow and * me it shows
if you don't like a part of your face you can't move it about can you you know it's your face you
don't miss the potato head like i woke up tomorrow i'm like i don't like my dick anymore i tell you
what i'm gonna do i'm gonna chop it off right and replace it with a carrot wrapped in ham
short-term solution you know and i i have uh i have uh facial problems you know you can you can
see that my uh face is too big but uh there's nothing you can do if your face is too big
so i'm not going to do that
i have to style it out you know i can't get my face shortened on the nhs you just
just have to deal with it you know i found out my face was too big i was doing a theater show
and i turned up at the theater and they had a poster of my face at the venue right it was
underneath glass and i was really excited until i noticed um underneath the glass
in the middle of my forehead right there was a spider that had died trying to cross my face
it was like whoa that was a good idea
i looked out halfway across and then looked out of the vast featureless tundra out of it
i was like that is too far to walk even with eight legs that is a schlep
i had another recent criticism my face i should warn you this is by far and away the rudest joke
in the show um if you were in a heterosexual relationship right and the woman is going down
on the man and when she's going down on the man she makes direct eye contact with the man that is
considered to be powerfully erotic however uh if the man is going down on the woman and when he's
going down on the woman he instigates direct eye contact with a woman i've been told i look like a
small boy peering over a hedge about to ask his neighbor for his football back
you just you can't
improve your you can't improve your body can you
i don't want to just i don't know it's not like i'm having to go at women as well these
ridiculous techniques for men