I was doing a gig recently in Brighton, right on the south coast,
and I had to book my own hotel room.
It sometimes happens.
I'm wary of talking about the name of the hotel,
but people haven't believed the story,
so I'll tell you the name of the hotel.
You can check this out after the show if you don't believe me.
It's called the My Hotel in Brighton.
It's right in the middle of Brighton.
I'm on the phone, like, booking the room,
and there's a woman helping me book the room,
and she says to me,
Oh, Mr. Langford, if you want to, for an extra £15,
you can upgrade to our beloved package.
I was like, all right, what's the beloved package?
She said, it's exactly the same room,
however, when you get into the room,
there'll be a box on the bed.
I was like, what's in the box?
I'm not paying £15 for a box.
I've been burned in the past.
It's a long story. I can't go into it now.
She said,
In the box, Mr. Langford,
yours to keep, right, will be the following.
A vibrator.
Two satin blindfolds.
Some love eggs.
Do you know love eggs?
This is going to be awkward.
Not a pamphlet from the egg marketing board.
They're two interconnected spheres like that, right?
They're the woman,
sort of, slams up there.
Slams is the wrong verb.
It's a delicate flower, not a basketball hoop.
She tucks up there,
and they bang into each other.
They haven't got that much room.
They bang into each other,
and it feels nice, apparently.
Two sachets of massage oil
and 25 sexual challenges
in sealed envelopes.
And I was like,
15 pound, yeah?
Mine to keep.
He's like, yeah.
I was like, I'm definitely upgrading.
I don't know about you guys,
but I just can't resist a bargain.
I was like, all that kit for 15 quid,
that's a good deal, isn't it?
I'm not going to lie to you, right?
If she'd have stopped after vibrator,
I still would have taken a pint.
15 pound, I get a vibrator and a free box.
I'm always looking for storage solutions.
I was really happy.
I was really excited.
My girlfriend at the time, however,
absolutely furious.
Not happy at all.
Chiefly because she wasn't coming to Brighton.
But I had a hell of a night on my own
in a hotel room
exploring my own sexual boundaries.
It was like a really kinky version
of Guantanamo Bay.
I really tested myself to the limit.
I was really excited, right?
Until I got into the hotel room
and I was looking through the box
and I noticed in the box
there's only one satin blindfold.
Yeah.
I've been promised
two satin blindfolds.
I was really angry, right?
Until I started thinking about it.
I thought, actually, even if there are two of you,
you only need one satin blindfold.
Two satin blindfolds
is just an erotic game of hide and seek.
It made me think that
sight is the only acceptable sense,
isn't it, to limit in a sexual scenario.
You can't mess about
with anything else, you know.
Imagine you get lucky
after the recording today
and you go back to their place.
You're in the bedroom, you know,
you're fooling about, just about to get down to it
and they go, oh, first things first,
put on these earmuffs.
You might want to get this peg on your nose as well.
Get out of their house.
Nobody wants stinky deaf sex.
So I tried to do everything in the box,
but it's very difficult.
Men aren't supposed to use love eggs, apparently.
I found out that the hard way.
It was a trial and error, really.
The trickiest thing with sexual challenges,
because they're meant for two people.
But I was on my own, you know,
but I thought, like, I've tried everything else.
I'm going to try the sexual challenge, you know.
So I opened the first envelope,
took out the challenge.
This is what it said.
Turn on the television to ITV.
I thought, *, I hope it picks up from here on in.
It's a pretty underwhelming challenge so far.
One of the worst of the terrestrial TV channels.
No, there was more, right?
It said, you have to watch ITV
for the next two hours,
but you're only allowed,
to do anything naughty during the advert breaks.
So when the advert break is happening,
you can kind of fool about.
When the advert break finishes,
you have to stop and wait for the next advert break.
Yeah.
I'm not going to lie to you, right?
I find Schindler's List a difficult enough watch
at the best of times.
But with the addition of compulsory stop-start wanking,

If anything, it is a more grueling cinematic experience.
Have I gone too far?
No, I'm about to.