Hello, thank you very much for coming along to my show.
I did this show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and it was free to get in.
So now that you've paid £2, the pressure is on me.
It'll be fine though.
It was my first free show in Edinburgh and I was putting up posters in my venue before my first ever performance.
And a bloke in his 50s came up to me and he went,
* off!
I was like, what mate? He goes, * off!
This is my patch.
I was like, what? He goes, I've been putting up posters in Edinburgh for 20 years.
* off!
I was like, oh well, with that level of customer service, I'm surprised you haven't yet been promoted.
So it's nice to be here.
I'm so happy to be here in London.
I find how angry some Londoners get entertaining.
I've been living in London for about 10 years and people's fury just overcomes them.
I had to get on the train the other day.
I had to walk down some steps to get onto the platform and there was a Londoner.
He's walking down the steps in front of me and he fell down the steps.
Which is funny in and of itself.
But don't worry, that's not the end of the story.
As he was falling down the steps, right, he made this noise.
Hey!
I thought, that's not the noise you make.
If you fall down some steps.
Like, the internationally accepted noise for falling down some steps is like,
Uhhh?
Because like, you've * up, haven't you?
But like, this guy blamed the steps.
I met him at the bottom. I was like, I saw the whole incident.
I was like, I saw the whole incident. I was like, I saw the whole incident. I was like, I saw the whole incident.
But I was like, I saw the whole incident. I was like, I saw the whole incident.
ISIS.
Probably not the main thing,
actually, thinking about it. I mean, they're proper
* tinkers, aren't they, those guys?
They're a real bunch of scamps.
Rascals, aren't they? They're just
a bunch of ne'er-do-wells.
Proper
rum bunch of lads.
The main thing
I hate about them is every time
they're on TV, right, they've got a
different name.
They started off, they were like,
oh, ISIL have done this, and they were like,
no, no, no, ISIS have done
this, and they were like, no, Islamic
State have done this, and they were like,
so-called Islamic State,
I was like, you were calling them Islamic
State 20 minutes
ago. Now they're calling
them Daesh. They're like
the Sheryl Cole of international
terrorism.
They've got a similar attitude to
minorities as well.
Too soon?
I just think they should call them what everyone
else is calling them, you know.
Those cunts.
I'd love to switch on the news
on the evening, BBC One,
six o'clock, you know, Hugh Edwards in his suit
and tie. Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. I'm very sorry to report
those cunts have kicked off again.
Now I know where I am,
you know, in a socio-political
scenario, you know, so I
I don't like
ISIS.
Just in case you were wondering.
Which side of the fence is he going to come down on?
Definitely in the anti-cum.