I was going to say, I don't like the weather,
but it's not the weather I don't like.
It's the deferential treatment we give to the weather, you know.
I was watching the weather on the news the other day.
I was thinking to myself,
why are they still putting the weather on the news?
You know, like, it's 2016 now, isn't it?
Like, we've got the internet, you know, and windows.
Like, we can see the weather.
Like, stop telling us the weather, you know.
All the bad news, I think they should get rid of the weather
and replace it with something else, you know, to cheer us up,
like funny YouTube clips or something,
like kittens falling over.
I was watching the weather in January at the start of the year,
and the weather was bad, right, all over the United Kingdom.
And the weatherman, he's given his report, you know,
he had one of them giant maps behind him, like they do,
and he goes, oh, they've copped it really bad up in York.
I thought, mate, you can't say copped.
You're a meteorologist.
Just use some * science words.
You know, what next?
Oh, these pricks got wet.
There was a lack of professionalism in his weather report.
It extended throughout the report.
Later on in the report, right, he said this with an entirely straight face, right?
I don't know how he managed to keep a straight face, right, but he did.
He went, and as we approach evening, temperatures will begin to drop.
I was like, no *, Shirley.
Look, you know that massive ball of fire that lives in the sky?
It's the other side of the world now, isn't it?
What other revelations have you got for me, you know?
My sundial is going to become less accurate.
I've got an increased chance of seeing an owl.
He's a professional weatherman on TV, getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a year,
essentially going, it get cold at night time.
I was like, I know that, you know.
Like, whenever they show record-breaking heatwaves on the news, it's never like 3 a.m., isn't it?
People rushing down to the beach in their night vision goggles.
Also, I was thinking, why are you telling me the night weather?
I'm 33 years old, right?
I would consider myself to be a curious man.
However, like the night weather, that's never once piqued my interest.
I've never been on the laptop before bed thinking, oh, one more thing.
Just before I turn in for the evening.
I'd better find out what the clouds are going to look like whilst I'm unconscious.
I wouldn't want to miss out on some sweet cumulonimbus.
I don't need to know the night weather, do I?
You know, because at night, I'm going to be where I'm supposed to be.
In bed.
Asleep.
Or outside with enough drinking drugs in my stomach.
Minor fluctuations in temperature have little to no effect on me or someone.
I'd appreciate that honest weather.
You know, it's going to be cold later on, but don't worry.
You'll either be safe in bed or outside off your face.
Who gives a *?
Here's the one show.
So, yeah, it's nice to be here.
The show, um, the show...
That's the kind of luck I have, recording my hour show.
I'm getting heckled by people.
I'm getting heckled by people outside the building.
You know, what's happened out there?
There's something like a werewolf attack.
Stay here with me. You're safe.